On Baby #2: Mama, You Can't be Ready for This

There are questions you've been meaning to ask.

You think about the wonders and woes and it's clouding your head.

Although there's nothing like the confidence motherhood taught us, at this given moment,

it's okay to feel vulnerable, mama. It's only a matter of months until things change for your family.

And change is scary.

Moreso when you're so attached and already too in love with how things stack up in your life right now. That you’re so happy and content you never thought about changing a thing.

But all of a sudden, two pink lines,

one or two tries,

3 minutes

and your reality seemed twisted.

I feel you, mama.

I was there too.

Exactly a year ago when I learned I was pregnant again.

For a healthy adult young enough to be diagnosed as "peri menopausal", I was pretty okay with having just one child. We were already so grateful we have Atlas and we couldn't ask for more.

So when I found out we were expecting, I was dazed, for days;

for all of my pregnancy days that is.

Questions. Doubts. Panic attacks.

I know I was being selfish, unfair, and vainglorious, but graduating from sleepless colicky nights, breastfeeding issues, teething pains, and all that made me feel like I have finally regained myself again after years. Call it self-serving but, goodness it felt great.

We already found our rhythm and everything is just so lovely and the next thing I know we're back to square one in months time.

To some it's hard to understand and that's okay.

To you mama who's scared, please know you are understood.

It's your maternal instinct that's making you feel that way. Because deep down you know, you're afraid you're going to screw up; afraid, your first born will hate you; afraid of another love that is so intense you might end up losing yourself.

I felt that too.

But here I am, a year after I found out about my second born and I never thought I could be happier than I already was.

I feel bad about the days I wept and felt afraid of welcoming this new gift;

ashamed for doubting if I could possibly love another little person as much as I love my first born, because I should know,

motherhood makes it possible for us to love without limits and boundaries.

And it's too beautiful and perfect it happens so effortlessly, as what they all say.

Motherhood is showing up to a shoot with your shoes undone

But how I wish somebody also told me about second child guilt.

I wish I was prepared for the overwhelming sadness of breaking my first born's heart each time I can't be there for him;

let alone the ache upon realizing I barely held the little one for the day.

I wish they told us about the days we won't figure out how to rationalize or sort through this sudden rush of feelings;

or the days we can't get it all together.

That there are times we will betray ourselves and think our kids deserve better.

But maybe if we knew, we won't try hard enough or love deeply enough.

Maybe the exhaustion, frustration, anxiety and that feeling you can't quite name will make us cave in easily.

Maybe it was all meant to be challenging and uneasy so that we'll uncover how much love we are capable of giving.

Because we have so much.

Life will keep on changing; the little earthlings will grow, our family will grow,

and someday soon we will face another major turning point.

And it's scary: the uncertainties, the shifts, and the big leaps.

There's no way we can prepare ourselves for that.

But you know what? It's okay.

We can't be ready for the beauty of what lies ahead either.

Embrace the golden moments, mama.